I began this blog with the intention of always being honest about my personal experiences and how they affect me. Being honest with these experiences means that I have had to go back and remember all the details that my brain wanted me to forget.

Anger. Why is it that anger is seemingly addicting? I enjoy sharing my experiences but I wouldn’t be considered honest if I said that it is not making me relive everything. The hurts of the past are creeping up as my story continues to unfold and it seems easier to live in that anger and be mad at the people who have caused all of those hurts.

Forgiveness. Forgiveness is a word or a concept that people throw around especially if they don’t understand the hurt and pain of another. While some are trying to guide you in what to do; they may not fully understand what that means for you. In this world, forgiveness tends to mean that we are ok with what you have done and that just is not the case.

I have days where I feel like I have forgiven and I want relationships with everyone that has caused me pain but then I have days where something little triggers me and I find it easier to hold these hurts against them. It feels easier or maybe even better to hold that as a reminder for them that they are not perfect. Maybe I feel that way because of their responses to my hurt? Maybe it is because they refuse to recognize and repent. Should I need that, though? I should not need them to recognize what they did to me in order to forgive them.

I think of Jesus in this moment. He doesn’t hold every hurt against us that we cause him. I have so much work to do to get my heart where I want it and where God wants it to be but I need to be honest with the struggle in order to move into that place. I want to continue to be honest and tell my story for exactly what it is and all the hurt that it has caused and still sometimes causes. Life is not perfect and life with Jesus is not perfect but conquering the imperfect moments is that much more possible if Jesus is the pillar to lean on.

God, grant me peace in these moments and strength to continue writing. Help me to forgive as you have forgiven us for our trespasses against you. Guide me as I tell your story in my life.